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Just a moment ago, my daughter Rebecca texted me for good luck.Her text said, mom, you will rock.I love this.Getting that text was like getting a hug.And so there you have it, I embody the central paradox.I'm a woman who loves getting text, who's going to tell you that too many of them can be problem.Actually, that reminder of my daughter brings me to the beginning of my story, 1996, when I gave my first TED Talk.Rebecca was 5 years old and she was sitting right there in the front row.I had just written a book that celebrated our life on the internet and I was about to be on the cover of Wired Magazine.In those heyday days, we were experimenting with chat rooms and online virtual communities.We were exploring different aspects of ourselves and then we unclocked.I was excited, and as a psychologist, what excited me most was the idea that we would use what we learned in the virtual world about ourselves, about our identify to live better lives in the world.Now, fast forward to 2012, I'm back here on the TED stage again.My daughter is 20.She is a college student.She sleeps with her cellphone, so do I and I've just written a new book, but this time, it's not one that will get me on the cover of Wired Magazine.So, what happened? I'm still excited by technology, but I believe and I'm here to make the case that we're letting it take us places that we don't wanna go.Over the past 15 years, I've studied technologies of mobile communication and I've interviewed hundreds and hundreds of people, young and old about their plugged in lives and what I found is that our little devices, those little devices in our pockets are so psychologically powerful that they don't only change what we do.They change who we are.Some of the things we do now with our devices are things that only a few years ago would have found odd or disturbing, but they've quickly come to seem familiar just how we do things, so just to take some quick examples, people text or e-mail during corporate board meetings.They text and shop and go on Facebook during claes, during presentations, actually during all meetings.People talked to me about the important new skill of making eye contact while your texting.People explained to me that it's hard, that it can be done.Parents text and do e-mail at breakfast and at dinner where your children complained about not having their parents' full attention, but then the same children deny each other their full attention.This is a recent shot of my daughter and her friends being together while not being together.And we even text to funerals.I study this.We remove ourselves from our grief or from our reverie and we go in our phones.Why does this matter.It matters to me because I think we're saving ourselves up for trouble.Trouble certainly and how we relate to each other, but also trouble in how we relate to ourselves in our capacity for self reflection.We're getting used to a new way of being alone together.People want to be with each other, but also elsewhere connected to all the different places they wanna be.People want to customize their lives.They want to go in and out of all the places they are because the thing that matters most to them is control over where they putt their attention.So, you wanna go to that board meeting, but you only wanna pay attention to the bits that interest you, and some people think that's a good thing, but you can end up hiding from each other even as we're all constantly connected to each other.50-year-old busineman laments to me that he feels he doesn't have colleagues anymore at work.When he goes to work, he doesn't stop by to talk to anybody he doesn't call and he says he doesn't want to interrupt his colleagues because he says they are too busy on their e-mail, but then he stops himself and he says, you know, I'm not tell you the truth.I'm the one who doesn't want to be interrupted.I think I should want to, but actually I'd rather just do things on my Blackberry(RIMM).Acro the generations, I see that people tend to get enough with each other if and only if they can have each other at a distance in amounts they can control.I call it the Goldilocks effect, not too close, not too far, just right, but what might feel just right for that middle aged executive can be a problem for an adolescent who needs to develop face to face relationships.An 18-year-old boy who uses texting for almost everything says to me wishfully someday, someday but certainly not now I would like to learn how to have a conversation.When I ask people wrong with having a conversation? I'll tell you what's wrong with having a conversation.It takes place in real time and you can't control what you're gonna say.So, that's the bottom line;texting, e-mail, posting.All of these things let us present to self as we wanna be.We get to edit and that means we get to delete, and that means we get to retouch the face, the voice, the flesh, the body.Not too much, just right.Human relationships are rich and they are mey and they are demanding, and we clean them up with technology and when we do one of the things that can happen is that we sacrifice conversation for mere connection.We short change ourselves, and over time, we seemed to forget this or we seemed to stop caring.I caught off guard whenStephen Colbert asked me a profound question, a profound question.He said, “Don't all those little tweets, don't all those little SIPs of online communication add up to 1 big gulf real conversation?” My answer was no.They don't add up.Connecting in SIPs may work for gathering discrete bits of information.They may work for saying and thinking about you or even for saying I love you.I mean, look at how I felt when I got that text from my daughter, but they don't really work for learning about each other to really coming to know and understand each other, and we use conversations with each other to learn how to have conversations with ourselves.So, off light from conversation can really matter because it can compromise our capacity for self reflection.For kids growing up, that skill is the bed rock of development.Over and over, I hear, “I would rather text than talk.” And what I'm seeing is that people get so used to being short change out real conversation, so used to getting by with le that they become almost willing to dispense with people altogether.So, for example, many people share with me this wish that someday a more advance version of Siri, the digital aistant on Apple's iPhone(AAPL)will be more like a best friend, someone who will listen when other won't.I believe this wish reflects a painful truth that I've learned in the past 15 years.The feeling that no one is listening to me is very important in our relationships with technology.That's why it's appealing to have a Facebook page or Twitter feed so many automatic listeners, and the feeling that no one is listening to me makes up one to spend time with machines that seemed to care about us.We're developing robots.They call them sociable robots that are specifically designed to be companions, to be elderly to our children, to us.Have we so lost confidence that we will be there for each other?
All right, I want to see a show of hands how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food? And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don’t want to talk to them? You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady”: Stick to the weather and your health.But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects—are not safe either.So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument，where our politicians can’t speak to one another, and where even the most trivial of iues have someone fighting both paionately for it and against it, it’s not normal.Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided than we ever have been in history.We are le likely to compromise, which means we’re not listening to each other.And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to be based on what we already believe.Again, that means we’re not listening to each other.A conversation requires a balance between talking and listing, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.Now, part of that is due to technology.The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.According to the Pew Research, About a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day.And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face.There’s this great piece in The Atlantic.It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.And he gave his kids a communication project.He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes.And he said this:” I came to realize…”
“I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves.Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?”
Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck dirvers, billionaries, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers.I talk to people that I like.I talk to people that I don’t like.I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level.But I still have a great conversation with them.So I’d like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, things of interesting topics to discu in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you’re paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.So I want you to forget all of that.It is crap.There is no reason to learn how to show you’re paying attention, if you are in fact paying attention.Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a profeional interviewer that I do in regular life.So, I’m going to teach you how to interview people, And that’s actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.We’ve all had really great conversations.We’ve had them before.We know what it’s like.The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you’ve made a real connection or you’ve been perfectly understood.There is no reason why most of your interactions can’t be like that.So I have 10 basic rules.I’m going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you’ll already enjoy better conversations.Number one: don’t multitask.And I don’t mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.I mean, be present.Be in that moment.Don’t think about your argument you had with your bo.Don’t think about what you’re going to have for dinner.If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don’t be half in it and half out of it.Number two: don’t pontificate.If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.Now there’s a really good reason why I don’t allow pundits on my show: because they’re really boring.If they’re conservative, they’re going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.If they’re liberal, they’re going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.Totally predictable.And you don’t want to be like that.You need to enter every conversation auming that you have something to learn.The famed therapist M.Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become le and le vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recees of his or her mind to the listener.Again, aume that you have something to learn.Bill Nye:” everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don’t.” I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.Number three: use open-ended questions.In this case, take a cue from journalists.Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.If you put in a complicated question, you’re going to get a simple answer out.If I ask you,” were you terrified?”
You are going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is “terrified,” and the answer is “Yes, I was” or “No, I wasn’t.” “were you angry?” “ yes, I was very angry.” Let them describe it.They’re the ones that know.Try asking them things like,” what was that like?” “how did that feel?” Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you’re going to get a much more interesting response.Number four: give with the flow.That means thoughts will come into your mind.We’ve heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and that comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it’s already been answered.That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that.And we do the exact same thing.We’re sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.And we stop listening.Stories and ideas are going to come to you.You need to let them come and let them go.Number five: if you don’t know, say that you don’t know.Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they’re going on the record, and so they’re more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure.Do that.Err on the side of caution.Talk should not be cheap.Number six: don’t equate your experience with theirs.If they’re talking about having lost a family member, don’t start talking about the time you lost a family member.If they’re talking about the trouble they’re having at work, don’t tell them about how much you hate your job.It’s not the same.It is never the same.All experiences are individual.And, more importantly, it is not about you.You don’t need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you’ve suffered.Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, “I have no idea.People who brag about their IQs are losers.” Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.Number seven: try not to repeat yourself.It’s condescending, and it’s really boring, and we tend to do it a lot.Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.Don’t do that.Number eight: stay out of the weeds.Frankly, people don’t care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you’re struggling to come up with in your mind.They don’t care.What they care about is you.They care about what you’re like, what you have in common.So forget the details.Leave them out.Number nine: this is not the last one, but it is the most important one.Listen.I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop.Buddha said, and I’m paraphrasing, “If your mouth is open, you’re not learning.” And Calvin Coolidge said, “No man ever listened his way out of a job.” Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we’d rather talk.When I’m talking, I’m in control.I don’t have to hear anything I’m not interested in.I’m the center of attention.I can bolster my own identity.But there’s another reason: we get distracted.The average person talks at about 225 words per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can’t do that, you’re not in a conversation.You’re just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.You have to listen to one another.Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.He said,” most of us don’t listen with the intent to understand.We listen with the intent to reply.” One more rule, number 10, and it’s this one: be brief.A good conversation is like a miniskirt;short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.—my sister.All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: be interested in other people.You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home.People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she’d say, “Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Mi America.He was the mayor of Sacramento.She won a Pulitzer Prize.He ‘s a Ruian ballet dancer.”
And I kind of grew up auming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them.And honestly, I think it’s what makes me a better host.I keep my mouth shut as often as I poibly can, I keep my mind open, and I’m always prepared to be amazed, and I’m never disappointed.You do the same thing.Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.Thanks.
