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If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.Homer Simpson A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.Thomas Mann If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee--that will do them in.Bradley's Bromide.A sheep in sheep's clothingOn Clement Atlee Winston Churchill A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.Robert Frost.Of all the things I've lost, I mi my mind the most.Mark Twain It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.Dan Quayle.I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.Mark Twain Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.Benjamin Franklin First you forget names, then you forget faces.Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.George Burns.Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard.He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.Harry S.Truman.There's no such thing as a soul.It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.Bart Simpson Epitaph for a dead waiterand often they are the most interesting thing he has got.Josh Billings Submitted by Travis Robinson If women run the world men must be the track The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.Lucille Ball Why does man kill? He kills for food.And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.Woody Allen Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.Desmond Morris.He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire.Truman Capote on Mick Jagger Attention to health is life greatest hindrance.Plato An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.Mae West An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not enough to lend to.Ambrose Bierce I used to be lost in the shuffle.Now I just shuffle along with the lost.A man in love is incomplete until he has married.Then he's finished.Zsa Zsa Gabor Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge.Others only gargle.Woody Allen Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.Mae West When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the Government of my country.I make up for lost time when I am at home.Winston Churchill The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End.Cyril Smith.I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.Mae West When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.Mark Twain.Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.Mark Twain Love your enemies.It'll make 'em crazy.What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?George Carlin My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Ruia forever.The bombing will begin in five minutes.Ronald ReaganUS president during radio microphone test.You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.Al Capone.It's worse than dog eats dog.It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.Woody Allen I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would mipell my name and call me Brain.That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.Mitch Hedberg I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.Charles Swartz.I don't know what I would do without Whitelaw.Everyone should have a Willy.Margaret Thatcher.Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.Henry A.Kiinger Submitted by Jason Wahby There are two things that are infinite in this world.The universe and human stupidity, I'm not really sure about the earth.Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? George W Bush I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.Groucho Marx Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an I.Q.of 60.Gore Vidal.Submitted by Debbie ReedsA way to a man's heart is through his stomach.A way to a woman's heart is to scratch under her bra strap!I don't believe in mathematics.Albert Einstein I'd like to help you out.Which way did you come in? A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.George W Bush By trying we can easily endure adversity.Another mans, I mean.Mark Twain He knows nothing;and he thinks he knows everything.That clearly points to a political career.George Bernard Shaw I have been commiioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974.Jeffrey Bernard.When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.George Bernard Shaw But a lifetime of happine!No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.George Bernard Shaw Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.Bill Cosby A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the eentials.Ronald Knox I love mankind.It's people I can't stand.Charles Monroe Schultz The two most misused words in the entire English vocabulary are love and friendship.A true friend would die for you, so when you start trying to count them on one hand, you don't need any fingers.Larry Flynt There are no good girls gone wrongrich and thick.Samuel Beckett Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.Stephen Leacock.Basically my wife was immature.I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.Woody Allen If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutesuntil you fancy the same boy Seeing a murder on television...can help work off one's antagonisms.And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.Alfred Hitchcock In mathematics you don't understand things.You just get used to them.John Von Neumann I have made this [letter] longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter.Blaise Pascal Happine is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.George Burns The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illne.Think of your three best friends.If they're okay, then it's you.Rita Mae Brown.Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.René Descartes He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.Mae West I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.Robert Benchley We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.Jeff Marder.驾校一点通365网 http://www.daodoc.com/sichuan/ 四川驾校一点通 George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear him talk.Steven Wright Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.Woody Allen First you forget names, then you forget faces.Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.George Burns Some people are afraid of heights.Not me, I'm afraid of widths.Steven Wright I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'Woody Allen Submitted by Britt Robin Good looks only carry you so far & you my dear had a short a trip I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.George Burns George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.George Carlin I don't think my parents liked me.They put a live teddy bear in my crib.Woody Allen Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.Dave Barry In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow.He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.Spike Milligan I find it rather easy to portray a busineman.Being bland, rather cruel, and incompetent comes naturally to me.John Cleese No man goes before his time-unle the bo leaves early.Groucho Marx Most of the time I don't have much fun.The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.Woody Allen We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest.Yoko Ono is standing right next to him.Not one F**king bullet.Explain that to me!Explain that to me!Denis Leary
