雅思学术写作小作文图文对比 学生6分作文及老师批改由刀豆文库小编整理，希望给你工作、学习、生活带来方便，猜你可能喜欢“雅思作文批改考满分”。
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1.作文题目
2.学生原文
The chart below shows male and female fitne membership between 1970 and 2000 The given chart provides the information about how many men and women keep healthy over three decades, from 1970 to 2000.It is interesting to notice that, from one thousand people in 1970, women fitne membership was almost constant at about two thousand people from 1975 to 1980, when it showed an exponential growth, rising to under three thousand after which it declined by about one thousand before another increase, ending at two thousand in 2000,whereas the number of man fitne membership doubled the women in 1970, despite some fluctuation, it fell back to the 1970 figure of women.With some decreases, the figure of men fitne membership reached at the peak in 1995 when it represented at five thousand.There was a remarkable fall in men who keep healthy from five thousand individuals to only one thousand.This decrease was particularly noticeable between 1995 and 2000, during which time the figure of men fitne membership was down five times.Similarly, there was still a gradual drop for women who keep healthy during that period, from around three thousand to two thousand.www.daodoc.com
In conclusion, women who keep healthy had a remarkable increase , but there was a corresponding drops for men
3.老师批改
用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加
The chart below shows male and female fitne membership between 1970 and 2000.(The bar chart illustrates changes in male and female fitne membership over a thirty – year period./ from 1970 to 2000.)(Overall, during the period, there were significant fluctuations in fitne membership among men than women.The number of male members reached a peak in 1995, and finally in 2000, the number reached to a similar pattern that was in 1970.)The given chart provides the information about how many men and women keep healthy over three decades, from 1970 to 2000.(overview,本段概述总结你从图中读到的最明显的整体趋势和信息。此段非常重要，)With some decreases, the figure of men fitne membership reached at the peak in 1995 when it represented at five thousand.(可以尝试把一些有显著差别数据做一些比较，比如男女生的情况，The number of male members stood at just over 2000 while there were only 1000 female.After the following five years, it increased to 4000, which was doubled in 1975.Then there was a drop until 1995, peaking around 5000 in total.However,)there was a remarkable fall in men who keep healthy from five thousand individuals to only one thousand.This decrease was particularly noticeable between 1995 and 2000, during which time the figure of men fitne membership was down five times.Similarly, there was still a gradual drop for women who keep healthy during that period, from around three thousand to two thousand.It is interesting to notice that, from one thousand people in 1970,(The figures for women/ female membership began lower than 1000 in 1970, doubled by 1975, and then fluctuated between 2000 and 3000 over the period.)women fitne membership was almost constant at about two thousand people from 1975 to 1980, when it showed an exponential growth, rising to under three thousand after which it declined by about one thousand before another increase, ending at two thousand in 2000,whereas the number of man fitne membership doubled the women in 1970, despite some fluctuation, it fell back to the 1970 figure of women.（数据很全，但是可以在总结性强一点。）
In conclusion, women who keep healthy had a remarkable increase , but there was a corresponding drops for men。（如果写过overview，这一段可以省略。）
4.作文总评 批改： 令狐敬老师
本次批改严格按照IELTS大作文评分标准进行。IELTS小作文评分项：TA(主要信息呈现度), CC(连贯性及一致性), GRA(语法范围及精准度), LR(词汇资源)。文末会进行总评及打分。www.daodoc.com
总评 6（TA 6 CC 6 LR6.0 GRA5.5）
1.主要的趋势基本表达清晰，但是数据也很充足。2.可以多一些明显区别的比较，学会更合理的分段。3.词汇上变化也比较多，很好。
4.可以再尝试多用一些从句，来短时间提升语法分数。
一些建议：这一段概述可以放到第二段，作为overview，这会给考官一个对图像的整体印象，也有助于对你在后面两细节段的理解，文章整体会更加有逻辑性。所以可以使用以下结构：
1.Introduce the graph（首段介绍图像，最好不要借用考官的题目原词。）2.Give an overview（把主要的趋势，总体趋势：不要给出具体的数字信息）
3.Give the detail（细节讨论时，先从最大的趋势写，比如这里男性的变化更大，所以先写male 的情况。在这个主体段落里具体给出你的数据或者趋势变化等。）
（提示： 在detail段落里，重要的市如何根据不同的或者相同的变化分段。）
5.作文范文：
The chart shows male and female fitne membership over a thirty-year period.The vertical axis represents the number of members.The horizontal axis represents the period from 1970 to 2000.Overall, the chart indicates that there were greater fluctuations in fitne membership among men than among women.The number of male members started the period at just over two thousand and reached highs of four thousand in 1975 and five thousand around 1995.The lowest rates were in 1985 and more recently in 2000 when the rate dipped as low as one thousand.Female fitne membership began lower at one thousand, doubled by 1975, and then fluctuated between two and three thousand for the remainder of the period.When male rates were at their lowest, female rates were higher.This was particularly true in 1985 when over three thousand women held fitne membership.In brief, there were marked differences in rates of male and female fitne memberships in the period covered.(161 words)
